Last Action Heroes
After watching several days of the Olympics and being slightly disappointed at our underachieving Aussie team (seriously, by this stage in Sydney we had about 20 golds already… bring back Thorpie!), I decided to take a time out from the plethora of muscle bound and awesomely toned bodies and relax to a DVD. Sports must have been on my mind because without hesitation I picked out my Rocky box set and whipped in the grand daddy of all Rocky films – Rocky IV.
Seeing Rocky and Drago beat the crap out of each other round after round got me quite worked up, after all there’s nothing like a good action film to stir the blood. However, on the ending credits it got me thinking, what ever happened to the golden generation of Action Heroes? What’s become of the tough men of the 80’s and early 90’s whose single purpose in films was to smash as many heads as they could? Why are dweebs like Shia Lebeouf the star of action movies nowadays? So without further a due, I give you the top 5 list of Tough Guys Who Became Not So Tough (cue music).
5 – Bruce Willis
Tough for: Singlet wearing, foul mouthed, bullet pumping detective John McClane, a beat down reluctant hero who happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time (time and time again). Peaked at Die Hard 3 when awesomely teamed with Samuel L. Jackson, went downhill when he decided to rescue Justin Long in Die Hard 4.
Greatest role: John McClane in the Die Hard series.
Soft for: Ashton Kutcher now bones his wife.
4 – Jackie Chan
Tough for: Breaking things, more often than not himself. Having done all his own stunts up till several years ago, he was rumoured to have sustained an injury in every movie he made. Pioneered the thirty minute fight scenes which Western directors have since began to adopt. Also tough for putting up with Chris Tucker for three Rush Hours.
Greatest role: As Jackie in Armour of God, where during production he fell from a tree and nearly broke his neck, thereby delaying filming for over six months.
Soft for: Not accepting that he’s old, walking around with perms and dyed hair and having affairs with women younger than his son.
3 – Sylvester Stallone
Tough for: Two of the greatest action heroes of all time, Rocky Balboa and John Rambo. Rocky not only fought Drago and Mr. T (yes, my black friend, YOU get some nuts!), he also punched class division and the Cold War in the face. Plus, to boot, Stallone actually did some acting in the last Rocky, which was a surprisingly acceptable movie. As John Rambo, he racked up a higher body count than both the Iraq wars combined, but it’s OK, they were all bad guys.
Greatest role: As mentioned, a tough call between Rocky and Rambo. I’ll go with Rocky.
Soft for: getting busted with steroids in Australia (the fact that he’s still taking steroids when he’s 60 years old).
2 – ARRRGHHHNNAALLLLDDDDD
Tough for: Muscle. Pure Muscle. In some films his muscles did more talking than his mouth. However, when he did talk, every quote was a gem.
Greatest role: An outright winner as the T-800 in the Terminator trilogy. While he battled bravely against an alien in The Predator, nothing will surpass his performance as the ice cool android in T2.
Soft for: I suppose it’s easy to target him for going into politics, but even then he was cool. With lines like “Don’t be economic girlie men,” who wouldn’t vote for the Governator?!
1 – Chuck Norris
Tough for: The former US Air Force veteran epitomised tough by never smiling in any of his movies, wearing singlets when it was cold, and using round house kicks to beat up terrorist tanks whilst ignoring the rocket launcher by his side. He also was in a fist fight with Bruce Lee in 1972 film The Way of the Dragon. Recently, the Chuck Facts phenomenon has resurrected his popularity.
Greatest role: Despite playing virtually the same character in all his films, his Delta Force performance was his peak, simply for the explosions and body count (he also stretched his acting capabilities by nearly showing emotion when his young side kick dies).
Soft for: Walker, Texas Ranger in the TV series Walker, Texas Ranger, a kung fu fighting cowboy. Say it to yourself again and shake your head, a kung fu fighting cowboy (but not too loudly, Chuck Norris might be watching, he sees everything).
